OPINION

Mullis: Is nurturing what comes naturally really nurturing?

Nicole L.V. Mullis
For the Enquirer

If you’ve done any time in the parenting trenches, you think about nurture versus nature. There are some things parents nurture in a child and some things a child possesses naturally.

Nicole L.V. Mullis

We know the natural stuff. It’s the reason why my youngest can play just about any sport and I possess no eye-hand coordination, or the fact my oldest can play a concerto on a harpsichord and I can’t find Middle C, or the reason my son can pass AP Calculus and I can’t finish my bills without a calculator.

Athleticism, intelligence, having an artistic eye – these are nature’s gifts.

Morals, ethics, responsibility – these are a parent’s goals. Kids aren’t born with this stuff; parents nurture it into them.

Or do we?

Something happened in my home that has me wondering if responsibility doesn’t have more to do with nature than previously thought.

My oldest is so responsible, it borders on tyranny. She remembers what she needs to do. She remembers what I need to do. She remembers what God needs to do. I lay down expectations and she treats them like gifts.

My son, on the other hand, can be incredibly responsible, but only on his unpredictable terms. I lay down expectations and he treats them like suggestions. If he sees a point, he complies. If not, he rolls on through.

My youngest loves to please but has a memory of Swiss cheese. If she remembers, she is the gold standard of responsibility. I lay down expectations and she treats them like dandelions. Easily picked, easily forgotten, and sometimes woven into exquisite headdresses.

Same parents, same rules, different results.

I don’t think my parenting is more effective on my oldest child than on my younger children. I think responsibility is in my oldest child's nature. She would probably be that way if squirrels raised her.

The others may be relying on me to nurture it into them. And it turns out, I may not be the one for the job.

After my oldest left for college, the other two rarely did their chores. From what I could tell, it wasn’t purposeful. They just couldn’t remember what to do or when to do it. The place was looking bad and I was getting mad. What happened? Nothing had changed. These were the same household responsibilities they’ve always had.

Then, my oldest returned for a visit. She brought home her laundry and a familiar litany, which was especially pronounced the evening the three of them wanted to see a movie.

“Come on guys! Who’s washing the dishes? Let’s go! We’re leaving for the movie in 30 minutes. Who has laundry? The cat litter is still by the door. Get it out!”

She barked and they answered. She checked and they corrected. They made their movie and I had a clean house. This repeated the next morning. And the next evening.

I began to realize who truly went to college – my middle manager.

I’m not sure what to do with this information. If my younger children need that much nurturing, maybe I should send them to college with their sister.

That, of course, would be very irresponsible.

I am the parent. This is my job, but it seems responsibility comes second nature to some kids.

And nurturing always comes second to nature.

Nicole L.V. Mullis’ work will be part of Theatre Kalamazoo’s New Play Festival on February 3-4. For details visit  Facebook  or www.NicoleLVMullis.com.