COLUMNISTS

Mullis: I’m late. He’s early. Together we arrive on time.

Nicole L.V. Mullis
For the Enquirer

My son is taking a communication class in college. Sometimes, if it happens to be communications day and we’re both home, he’ll bring out his notes and share what he’s learned.

I enjoy these conversations. They remind me that despite my son leaning towards his father’s disciplines of math and science, he’s also interested in my disciplines of communication and art. It’s cool to watch him internalize new concepts.

Recently, our conversation had me thinking about an age-old concept – opposites attract.

The lesson was about how people approach time. There were three methods – focus, displace, and diffuse. Most people are in the focus group. If you tell them something starts at 7 p.m., they will show up at 7 p.m.

The displaced people roll back the start time by 15-30 minutes, arrive at that new time and wonder why everyone else is late. In his notebook, my son wrote "Dad." I chuckled. How true.

The diffused people expand the start time by 15-30 minutes, considering any arrival inside that window to be “on time”. Although he didn’t put it in his notes, I had to smile. This was me.

Perhaps he didn’t think this was me because I’m his mother and until recently, I’ve been the one pointing to the clock saying, “Aren’t you supposed to be at school?” And, as a journalist, I am quite fanatical about deadlines. The truth is I struggle to be on time and often lose track of time if I’m in the middle of a project.

Fortunately, I work with people for whom process determines time spent. You know, artists, storytellers, writers.

My husband, by contrast, works with people for whom time determines the process. You know, engineers, scientists, robots.

Normally I’m not a huge label person, but these fit my husband and me well. This diffused/displaced thing may be why I’m a baseball fan – the game ends when it ends – while my husband is a football fan – the clock is always running. And why we struggle to watch the other’s favorite sport.

My son continued, saying a diffused person and a displaced person would make a lousy couple. They would drive each other up the wall. The diffusing person would always make the displacing person late, while the displacing person would always cut things short for the diffusing person.

But there’s a reason opposites attract – each brings to the table what the other lacks. That’s a good thing. At least it has been for us.

I won’t lie. Time scuffles have been a major irritation in our 20+ year marriage. I can’t count how many times I’m rolling my eyes because we’re so early for an event the doors aren’t open yet. And I can’t count how many times my husband is rolling his eyes because the doors are closed but I’m in deep conversation with someone.

An eye-rolling spouse can be a powerful deterrent.

If I married another diffused person like me, my children would never get to school on time. If my husband married another displaced person like him, his children would never get to school on time.

Even if we married focused people, I’m not sure it would make a difference. Balance requires equal weight on both sides. If he wants to leave 30 minutes early and I’m running 30 minutes late, we arrive on time. We cancel out each other’s crazy.

This delicate tug-of-war with our opposite has changed us for the better over the years. We’ve expanded our vision of what “on time” is and what “finished” means.

Together, we focus.

Nicole L.V. Mullis is the author of “A Teacher Named Faith.” Contact her at nlvm.columns@gmail.com.